I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i think i just lost a toe
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
