your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
