My room smells like vodka and shame
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
