I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
