Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
