We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
