Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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