I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
