just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
