hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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