Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
