i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
