you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
