How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
