About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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