she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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