I think I won the penis lottery.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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