I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
