It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
