worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
