Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
