mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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