I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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