I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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