the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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