"it" just moved
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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