You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The air taste purple.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
