i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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