It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
