She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Floor bacon is actually really good
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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