She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
