i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
