and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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