I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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