Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
