I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
barbara walters just said penis...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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