is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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