I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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