The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize