Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so let's talk penis.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize