i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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