The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
