The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
