after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
