How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
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You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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