I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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