oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
