When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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