Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
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And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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