So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
