You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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