hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this boner is exhausting
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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