But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
