Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
